I'd be happier if I didn't have to clean the entire freakin' house, do all the laundry, keep up with the bills and accounts, take time off when DD is sick and garden and feel like an awful person if I didn't!

I was looking at DH the other day wondering how they would manage if I died. My main thought was "they'd be kind of filthy but they'd do all right".

My moms goals were to go to college, get married, have kids, keep a nice house and garden.  So, 3 classes short of her PhD and holding a Master's in Speech and Language Pathology, she's worked for 5 years.  The rest of the time has been spent raising my brother and me, taking care of her elderly ill parents, and dealing with my dad (her husband of 26 years).

And she's thrilled.  No impact on the outside world (other than raising wonderful me, of course, LOL), no career, no money "of her own" (and boy, does that man lord it over her).  Ick.  I just couldn't DO that.  I'm starting my credential/master's program (online, thank you) in January, with a 3 week old, so that when my kids start school I can become a financail participant in our household.  I'm already in charge of all of our bills and money (who gets what, how debts are paid down, etc) but I'd like us to be on even footing, and I haven't felt that since DH got a "real" job.

On a side note, my brother has moved in with me and both my mom's parents have passed (her mom just in August) so she's got an empty nest...and nothing to do.  She's also only 51.  Should be interesting to see how she handles the "freedom."

but somewhere a long the way, we really didn't teach our young people that happiness doesn't come from acquisition.  

Last Wednesday was my father's birthday and my daughter and I went down to visit.  My brother came over and we were talking about just this topic.  He and his wife have been married for about four and a half years and have a three year old son.  They both work.  My brother was talking about how she was so anxious about doing everything "just right" and we also discussed how society is really sending these messages to young mothers.  She's from Poland, and we also talked about the culture shock she's experiencing due to our wildly different attitudes about work, careers, spending, etc.  So much pressure to excel at work...to make it a "career" that almost a religious calling.  And ofcourse, the pressure to spend, buy and acquire.  And our mixed messages we send about children....we say we like them, but really, our deeds don't match our words.  

So yeah...I can see why women are more unhappy...maybe we should be teaching all of our children that happiness comes from within and its not something that we can buy or even achieve.  

to say that women were happier in days gone by.  I think women were less vocal in days gone by and had no voice to speak about their displeasure if they had some.

It seems society wanted to paint a picture of happiness on women back then, and even now while picturing the past as if perhaps that is one of women's problems is that we "want" too much now.  baloney.

I also think that our culture of consumerism needs happiness to be a commodity that we must pursue through acquisition of more things, or through medical means -- heaven forbid if we can manage on our own and be happy.

I read a fascinating book titled "How We Choose to Be Happy" by Rick Foster & Greg Hicks.  The authors spent three years studying extremely "happy" people and developed an "acclaimed model" of nine choices that happy people use to create their happiness.  

I was thinking about this very topic today after reading an article in the newspaper about how pregnant women bemoan the errant comment or touch by friend or stranger regarding their pregnant bodies.  I can understand having issues with certain behaviors of others while pregnant, but I also felt that the whole subject was overblown and a bit ridiculous.  For example, if I choose to think of my surroundings or others' behavior as negative and narrate my life in those terms, that is what my daily experience will be.  If I choose to narrate it in more positive frames, that too will dictate what much of my experience will be.  I'm not suggesting painting everything with smiley faces, but there is a bounty of ways where just the power of our minds and thought can change radically the ways in which we respond to our circumstances which directly impacts the chemical reactions in our bodies, which in turn make us feel better, or worse, depending in large measure on our thoughts.

I can think of dozens of ways in my own life that has held true.  From economic issues, to relationships, to aging and dying parents, to ill friends, raising children, paid employment, volunteer work,  etc.  

I would say that my husband and I are intrinsically happy people, but I also notice now and especially with hindsight, that throughout our lives we have made conscious choices that have framed our lives in ways that took the good over the bad in most situations we faced, and in so doing have changed our lives as well.

I love this quote:

If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.

Clicking through to some of the original research, we can find the raw data on happiness (see especially the discussion section on page 18):

Click to enlarge.

Today, about 30% of people are very happy, about 50% are pretty happy, and about 15% are not too happy.  The differences they are talking about between genders are pretty small.  While this graph shows the happiness gap disappearing, another survey discussed of 12th graders does actually show an increasing gap between boys and girls, with girls less happy.

Another interesting thing is that the very happy category seems to have been about the same since the early 1980s.  There is a a sharp peak in women's happiness at about 1974.

This leads to some interesting questions: was the peak because of Roe v. Wade?  Did Roe v. Wade give women enough encouragement about their place in American society to actually increase their happiness?  Without this early 70s peak, the comparison to today's numbers is much less dramatic.

And this brings up another question:  what would the graph look like in the 1960s and especially the 1950s, the supposed 'golden era' of domesticity?

Click to enlarge.

Would we see the red line, with women becoming increasingly discontent as more responsibility came with more freedom?  Would we see the blue line, with a general increase in happiness as more choices became available, leveling off in the 80s?  Or would we see the purple line - essentially women were about as happy over the last 50 years, with a peak of enthusiasm during the early 70s.  I have no idea but it is an interesting idea to ponder.  In my family, I think the women had an increase in happiness through the 50s and 60s, followed by a peak in the 70s as they earned advanced degrees and started up their careers after their children grew up, followed by a plateau.

But then, what exactly is happiness....?