One thing I wanted to add (that I forgot to put in the diary) is that part of the reason I'm thinking about this is just the sense of unfairness I've gotten in talking to other moms (SAH and otherwise) about it.

Eg, during a 2 hr medical test I had last week, I had a lot of time to chat with the tech, who (like me) is in the middle of the big long muddy PhD process, and she has 2 kids (she works 2 days/wk).  She griped about how her dh's employer does the family-friendly talk, but there's constant, explicit pressure on him to work longer and longer and longer hours.  The same thing happened with my dh at his previous job, and apparently, it was a real bone of contention for a lot of his co-workers, both male and female; they didn't want the expectation that a "normal" week was 50-60 hrs.

I feel somewhat better about my dh's current situation, because at least now he's getting paid a lot more for doing the longer hours, and he's much happier at the current job.

In the back of my mind, though, I'm afraid that he (and other dads, and other moms) will get dinged if he tries to have some work-family balance.