Mother Talkers

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  • Kids don't get the concept of selfish (0 / 0)

    all at once. To the kid YOU seem selfish because you want him to do something he doesn't want to do. Perhaps by pointing out that YOU don't always want to make him dinner, but you do etc. might be a good object lesson. I think he sounds like a pretty normal 6 year old, but of course, you want to get him PAST this stage, ha, ha!

    That was also why I was peppering you with questions/suggestions about the actual event. Church. Might be easier to 'fix" in the short term than the big "selfish/not selfish" thing.

    Another Mom on the boards here recommended a book called "Raising Good Children" and I have been reading it and getting a lot out of it. Its about a child's moral development, which is of course something I struggle with too. I think we all do!

    Man, we could use some rain here! But 9 days?! What a drag! Sorry!

    by Suzanne77 on Sun May 04, 2008 at 09:15:15 AM PDT

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    • How funny- (0 / 0)

      I'm the mom who recommended Raising Good Children.  Don't you hate it when you're own good advice comes back and bites you on the ass?

      So church itself?  I've pretty much given up on all the battles related to it.  He can wear whatever he wants, within reason, (sports pants are okay, pjs aren't) there's only one service, so he's with me for about 10 minutes (playing with a church-provided activity bag filled with paper, markers, stickers, etc)  then he's off with the other kids having Sunday School which is usually a video or a game or something that seems much better than the "memorize the books of the bible and win a Jesus Loves You pencil!" thing that I remember.  All in all, it's a 10:00 to 12:00 thing, followed by Munchkins and juice in the church hall.  Then we come home and he gets an hour of playstation time while I fix lunch, get DD and I changed, etc.  I've done everything I can think of to make it painless and fun- but DS calls it "boring" and whines about taking of his PJs, about having to leave the house at all (which is a recurring theme on weekends anymore, and cries all the way to the church.  He's fine once we get there, but the process of getting there takes most of the joy out of it for me.  I end up sitting in the pew in tears, thinking about what a horrible mother I am and how I never should have had kids or gotten married...I make a pretty good anxiety snowball at that point.

      And again- sigh.

      by Laura on Sun May 04, 2008 at 09:28:49 AM PDT

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      • You can't take it on yourself. (0 / 0)

        You're being way too hard on yourself.  Really.  It sounds to me like you've conceded in a thousand ways to make church a positive experience.  He gets to wear what he wants (except pjs) and hangs with other kids.  Jeez, you're not even making him sit through the service yet!

        DD is only 3, so I can't speak to the 6yo part.  But I think you should give yourself a break.  It seems to me to be his issue.  Maybe the fact that DH isn't going is making a bigger impression than you think.  Since your DD enjoys it, leave DS home with Dad and go, and enjoy it.  There's no reason to punish yourself and DD.  Either he'll starting feeling left out, or he'll hang with his dad.  Que sera sera.  

        by tessajp on Sun May 04, 2008 at 10:23:45 AM PDT

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        • word (0 / 0)

          Not everyone is cut out for church.  

          I do think it's too much to expect a 6 year old to put aside his vehement resistance in order to make mama happy.  That's a pretty sophisticated behavior.  He might be able to do something to make you happy, but if doing so will make him miserable -- that's something many grown folks can't quite muster.

          by mamacita on Sun May 04, 2008 at 10:39:54 AM PDT

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      • HA! (0 / 0)

        I am really enjoying that book! I had NO idea it was you that recommended it...geez.

        I think you are suffering much more than he is. It sounds like its just the "getting there" bit that is sucking the joy out of it for you...

        But if he's fine after he gets there? I don't think enforcing a modicum of good behavior makes you a bad mom! Quite the opposite.

        I am wondering what would happen if you just took him in his pjs? Let the other kids and the sunday school teacher have a go at him. I know somebody who took their kid to school in pjs and once was enough. Her daughter was in clothes promptly at 7 every a.m. after that.

        Good luck, take deep breaths. I think you're probably a really good Mom, considering how much you care about this little boy!!!

        by Suzanne77 on Sun May 04, 2008 at 10:27:04 AM PDT

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      • nice (0 / 0)

        It sounds like your church has some nice children's programming going on there, and Munchkins and juice to boot!  

        I'm going to go out on a limb here, but I think the fact that your husband doesn't go with you might be a large part of the difficulty you are having too. Your son may want to stay home with his dad? Or wonder why he has to go if Dad doesn't have to? No matter what the faith community, if the whole family isn't going, I think the whole journey becomes much, much harder for the parent trying to make it work.

        by NJmom on Sun May 04, 2008 at 11:36:12 AM PDT

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      • Maybe it isn't even about church. (0 / 0)

        Maybe your son is just really asking for more "down" time.  We ask a lot of our kids these days, and frankly, I'm not one who minds if kids just kind of veg  out and wear pajamas on the weekend if they've had a busy week.

        You need to have peace with your need to go to church.  You're missing out on what it is you need if you're spending that time feeling guilty and/or anxious.  

        I'll be honest.  I'd love it if all of my kids enjoyed and found meaning in all the things I enjoy and find meaning in.  It hasn't happened.  We share some things, and some things, well, we're different.  And that's all right.  They do however, share my values.  Sharing values really has little to do with sharing enjoyment of the same activities.

        by tjb22 on Sun May 04, 2008 at 12:58:32 PM PDT

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