I think the temperament/diagnosis issue  may be one of the most interesting questions in psychology right now

that was very helpful to read, to give me some peace as to why it's such a tricky thing to untangle.  

yes... dd is a she... i will definitely get the book and look for the dvd too, i didn't know about the gender difference with aspergers, so that may help me think through this.

and although we are not genetically related, that certainly doesn't rule out a genetic trait in her birthfamily.  her birthmom (who i met briefly once) is reserved, but smart and kind and smiley too.  no reported autism spectrum issues in her birthfamily.  

and this...

adapting to traits that don't change.

is definitely a bit part of my work. two things are at play... 1. dd turned five recently, so things i had been "tracking" since she was about 2 and 1/2... i realized they hadn't changed much and probably won't.  and 2. my two year old is about the most social and verbal kid on the planet, so having him ask and say things that dd has never considered, makes the issue more striking.   thankfully, my oldest is a moderated version of his little brother, because the middle two can each be exhausting in different ways.