authentic and loving would be very good.  right now, i generally choose between  fake (really bad at that, and dc sees right through it) and ignoring (which though dc is not a huge attention-seeker, still hates).  neither works very well.  i like the code word idea... makes me think of the mantra (screamed at the top of lungs) on seinfeld... "SERENITY NOW!"  maybe i need a mantra.

we have tried to talk a good deal about the scowling... how it makes dc feel, how it makes others feel... i ask dc to look in the mirror and tell me if that's how dc wants other to think of her.  she totally resists discussing it, but the mirror does help much of the time (unless she really just wants to scowl, which everyone should get to do sometimes).

i like the weather outside/inside a lot.... will definitely try that... hopefully dc can move beyond the literal translation of that... or i could think of a more literal-friendly term.  while very rigid in her thinking, dc loves to draw and write, so that is a good idea for this piece of the puzzle.  funny, i used drawing and writing about feelings ALL the time as a teacher, but as a parent, i hadn't used it.  thanks.

She sounds like a great kid.

yes, she really is... which is why i would so much like to get as far as we can with this stuff... to allow other people to enjoy her and vice versa.