Mother Talkers

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  • There's no easy answer... (0 / 0)

    But typically the abuser starts by breaking the spirit of their victim. After a while, they start to believe that they deserve whats happening to them. The only thing I can recommend is for you to be a stable presence. A friend who is consistent, and reliable. Don't bad-mouth her husband until she's strong enough to hear it, because she can always go back and say, "my friend thinks you're ....." which would only cause problems because now you'd be considered "the enemy".

    When she feels a bit stronger, you can help her plan her exit. I had a friend who was in an abusive relationship (years ago). She kept an extra change of clothes, an I.D., some money and a credit card at my house. You can do that as well.  

    As painful as it is to witness, all you can really do is be there for her. Good luck.

    by gloria on Fri Feb 29, 2008 at 07:57:28 AM PDT

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    • great advice (0 / 0)

      Great advice on not badmouthing the husband, but just listening.  That's an easy way to get burned and become not helpful.  

      by NJmom on Fri Feb 29, 2008 at 09:02:03 AM PDT

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    • Oh! (0 / 0)

      I hadn't read the comments and so gave similar advice!  Great advice about the extra clothes and id, too.

      I don't even hate abusers, I just want them to stop it.

      by Erin on Fri Feb 29, 2008 at 10:01:40 AM PDT

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    • That's what I'd say too (0 / 0)

      it creates a big divide with your friend if you start pointing out how many ways he is awful, and then she ends up going back to him. Even if you are agreeing with what she says, if she ends up going back to him, you are now the enemy.

      Hard to recover from that.

      by Lisa in Austin on Fri Feb 29, 2008 at 11:14:38 AM PDT

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    • Providing a model (0 / 0)

      of normalcy and encouraging her to move toward that is a great gift. Tell stories of your own marriage that she will (hopefully) compare to her own. Invite her into your non abusive home to see a regular marriage at work.

      I know several people who were abused as kids. All of them say the only way they were able to escape the cycle was having a window into a normal life--non abusive grandparents, for example. This was what allowed them to realize: "My home life isn't right. I can leave it and have a different kind of life."

      by sangfroid on Fri Feb 29, 2008 at 12:24:23 PM PDT

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    • Great advice, thank you! (0 / 0)

      Unfortunately, I got in trouble for calling her husband an "idiot," which by the way, is a word I use frequently to describe lots of people, including myself and my own husband at times. But it was definitely the wrong this to say at the time, and I apologized for my insensitivity. But I just really want her to know what she is going through is not normal and she's worthy of better. It's hard to stay quiet when you see a friend going through that. But I'm learning that I'll have to.

      by minnmom on Fri Feb 29, 2008 at 01:09:52 PM PDT

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