Mother Talkers

View Story | 70 comments

  • I've been struggling (0 / 0)

    with my answer since reading your post and others' comments, Shannon. I wish I could be as conciliatory and fair-minded as some of you, my esteemed MT pals, but I'm just furious.

    We send our children to institutions like preschool and daycare under the bedrock, contractual stipulation that the school has a duty of care to protect our children. In exchange for these institutions taking on this tremendous responsibility, we pay them. To my mind, your school is failing its duty of care, not just to your child, but to the other children who have been victim to this bully.

    Your son sounds like he has excellent coping skills, particularly considering he is only 2 years old. I salute you and your husband for that, and am going to teach my daughter along the lines of what you've done. If this situation persists, I fear it won't teach him more "coping skills," but rather to fear others and lose trust that his teachers are figures of authority and responsibility - he does not need that, what with 12+ years of education ahead of him!

    On the one hand, I am sympathetic to this child - there is obviously something wrong in his family environment. On the other hand, the school must take firm, definite action to resolve this situation - whether it's the church priest/pastor speaking directly with this family, or the teacher clearly laying it out that should this behavior persist, their child is not welcome in their school. I know that expelling the child does not treat the behavior, but this is not your responsibility, nor the responsibilty of the school. Your responsibility is to your son, and the school's responsibility is to fulfil its duty of care over the children who attend their school.

    by Rachel on Thu Apr 12, 2007 at 04:13:12 PM PDT

    • I totally agree with Rachel (0 / 0)

      I would like to know this - what policies and procedures does this school have concerning these types of issues?  Every single preschool my children have attended has had a clear cut and direct policy on bullying, biting and other unacceptable behaviors.  What exactly are their procedures?  Are they acceptable to you?  Are they following their procedures?

      My daughter was bit in her first preschool.  We were dutifully informed of it with written notes and a conversation with her teacher and the aide.  She was given first aid and suffered a pretty ugly looking bruise for several days.  The school's policy required them to counsel the parents of the biter and to inform them it was their one and only warning.  If there was a second bite, she would be expuled from the school.  Of course, this was especially difficult since her mother taught at the school.  Two days later she bit another child in her class, again leaving serious marks.  She was immediately removed from the classroom and her mother took her home.  

      Despite the fact that the school would eventually lose a teacher over it, it was the right thing to do.  I felt like my child was protected at all times because they followed their own policies and acted on behalf of my child.  

      Your son's teacher sounds very nice and understanding.  And I know many feel that bullying is not as serious as biting. (I would disagree due to the long term potential effects).  And I applaud your efforts to teach and comfort your child. He is quite a trooper to deal with this every time he enters his school.

      But IMHO, it's time the school stood up and put an end to this.  Bullying does not belong in school or anywhere.  And frankly until parents, teachers and school administrators start drawing the line, the behavior is allowed to continue; the bully believes it is acceptable behavior, his parents have no consequences for their poor parenting.

      Anne W

      by Anne W on Fri Apr 13, 2007 at 06:55:20 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • Just wondering... (0 / 0)

        I was a little surprised when I read this:

        And I know many feel that bullying is not as serious as biting.

        Do people generally regard biting as a bigger issue than bullying?  I know biting is usually a huge deal to the parents of the child who was bitten and often to the parents of the biter as well.  But, biting is a pretty typical developmental issue, especially for toddlers and young preschoolers.  So is hitting for that matter. Lots of children bite or hit, especially before the have adequate language, impulse control and/or tools to handle frustration/fear/etc.  I see bullying as a much, much bigger issue.  To me, bullying implies deliberate aggressive behavior beyond that which, although undesirable, is not uncommon developmentally.

        boy 9/85, girl 4/98, boy 3/00

        by TeachPeace on Fri Apr 13, 2007 at 08:35:36 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        • I can only relate those experiences that (0 / 0)

          we have shared with our kids.  Biting has been taken very seriously in my kids schools.  In above comment, I share my story about my DD.  In an another school, there was another biting incident, unrelated to my child, where the child was also removed.

          As for bullying, we have been on both sides.  My son was aggressive when we first put him in preschool.  He would take toys, and even push a little.  He was very protective of his one friend and would not let anyone else play with him.  The first few weeks were embarrassing for me as a parent hearing about his behavior and very concerning about him and of course the other children in his class.  The teacher was calm and requested that I bring him 3 days instead of 2 days a week.  She believed that his discomfort and the newness of being at school was the source of his need to be aggressive.  She worked with him (and included sitting him by her side if necessary) and in a few short weeks he was fine.

          My DD has a female bully in her class this year.  The teachers were aware of it (although seemingly oblivious to the extent), said nothing to any of the  parents (kids will be kids).  When I found out about and spoke with my DD she was upset, but did not feel like there was anything she could do about it.  And nothing was done about it, until another little girl in the class went home with a bruise on her head from when the bully smashed her head into the concrete in the play-yard.  A small amount of intervention on the part of the teachers and lots of role-playing with a couple of little girls in the class and they backed her down.  

          So from my own experience, biting has shown to be taken much more seriously and with consequences for child and family.  And bullying has been overlooked, or downplayed.  I do believe that sometimes it is also thought that it can be overcome, like in the case of my DS, and with the proper techniques, intervention and caring, it can.

          My daughter does not remember being bitten, but she will remember some of the stuff the bully in her class did this year for awhile to come.  Hopefully, we as her parents were able to help her turn it into a victory for her self-esteem.

          Anne W

          by Anne W on Sat Apr 14, 2007 at 08:42:37 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          • Just curious (0 / 0)

            How old were the biters in these incidents?  A friend of mine had her son expelled from daycare due to biting when he was under 18 months old.  It turned out that he was getting his molars.  In fact, the poor kid had all 4 come in at once so of course he was biting anything he could get his hands on and he was too young to really understand that he shouldn't bite other kids.  It always seemed to me that the daycare should have recognized this and given the poor little guy something to teethe on.

            I would agree that bullying should be taken seriously although at 2 I really wonder about the supervision.  I have a 3 year old boy and a 17 month old boy.  They play rough sometimes although they are good when they are with other children.  I just wonder if a two year old would really intentionally bully or if there is something else going on.

            Mommy to Joey (12/03), Joshie (11/05) and Mary Rose (1/08)

            by music teacher on Sun Apr 15, 2007 at 07:43:39 PM PDT

            [ Parent ]

            • well in my daughters case (0 / 0)

              she was 2 and the biter was 2.  Don't know if she was teething, but her biting was pretty substantial.  She bit 4 kids in 3 days.  I think she was having trouble communicating.  Some kids that age bite when frustrated.  But the school had a firm policy that one time was a warning and two times meant s/he was out, for the protection of the other children.

              Our bullying experience this year was with a 5 year old girl.  And it was true bullying, both emotional (and little girls can be very cruel) and physical.  And the little girl in question was the youngest of 7 kids from multiple marriages and the youngest by several years.  She was around a lot of older siblings and in likelihood picked up behaviors more advanced than the other kids in her class.  But she was also just plain mean sometimes.

              Anne W

              by Anne W on Mon Apr 16, 2007 at 08:00:55 PM PDT

              [ Parent ]

View Story | 70 comments