Mother Talkers

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  • Same here. (0 / 0)

    My ex is always talking menacingly about "going back to court" and runs like a vampire from the dawn whenever I say "fine with me."

    by Rick Massimo on Fri Dec 28, 2007 at 08:48:34 AM PDT

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    • LOL! Update2 (0 / 0)

      runs like a vampire from the dawn whenever I say "fine with me."

      Haha!  I love that line!

      He texted me with a "please".  I agreed to let him go on the condition that we meet, along with my parents (neutral party), tomorrow morning to work out a detailed parenting plan.  He agreed.

      Anyone have advice on what all should go in it?  I have a lot already, but more is better.  And does anyone know, after we do this, is it basically a simple matter of me getting my attorney to take it to the court and have it made an addendum to the final decree?

      by Inky on Fri Dec 28, 2007 at 09:51:47 AM PDT

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      • A neutral party (0 / 0)

        Oh, Inky, please consider the implications of having your parents serve as the neutral party. Are they responsible for helping you and your ex negotiate and make decisions? Most parents couldn't help but feel more aligned with their own kid.

        If they are there just to keep the emotional temperature in the room at moderate, it could work, but oh boy, it seems pretty risky. It seems like when it comes to something as personal as a co-parenting plan with your boy's father, parents are best out of the equation. Yikes, what if their role in child care and holidays comes up, are they expected to be totally neutral about that?

        Maybe your lawyer knows somebody - professional mediator, therapist or counselor - who could do this for you, and then your question about what to do with the agreements would be answered also.

        This sounds really bossy, I totally apologize for that ...

        by RachelD on Fri Dec 28, 2007 at 12:33:49 PM PDT

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        • Don't apologize, it's a totally valid issue! (0 / 0)

          They are involved in this first step for a variety of reasons.  Partly, it is to help avoid temper flare ups.  But aside from that, the reasons include: both Ex and I value their opinions and judgements, they are DS's regular caregivers (since they keep him for both of us while working), and as far as their neutrality...well, they are so neutral that it often makes me mad (but then I calm down and see that they are making a valid point about what's best for DS).  They have always, and still do, treat Ex better than his own parents.  And they are notorious for their even handedness among us all.  They absolutely want what's best for DS, and that is their main focus.  (Both of them have children from first marriages, and have a lot of experience with blended family relations).  Also, it's a matter of having to act right now, and they are available.  I doubt they will be giving too much input, but I think we both will be more likely to act in a calm and fair manner with them there.

          Ex and I shared an attorney for the divorce, as there wasn't much to fight over and finances were an issue.  He is still unable to afford an attorney on his own, and would balk if I suddenly insisted that he show up to the table with one, even if it was for his own benefit.  

          The first step in working out the plan has to be tomorrow before he leaves town.  I can read him like a book and know that if it doesn't happen now, it won't happen at all.  This is a guy who won't answer the phone when I call or return my phone calls, even if I am calling because DS is ill.

          So just to get the ball rolling and show him that I am serious about not being bossed about, we will do the preliminary work in the morning.  Then I will contact my attorney and see what I need to do from there.  If there are major impasses, we will definately get a mediator.  I'm probably being WAY too starry eyed in hoping that there actually won't be any issues that we can't resolve.  One of these days I will stop being so eternally hopeful....

          The second he starts to get ugly and won't stop.  I will calmly tell him that this is as far as we can go on our own, and I will contact a mediator next week.

          by Inky on Fri Dec 28, 2007 at 01:46:53 PM PDT

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          • i wonder if he'll show up when he's supposed to (0 / 0)

            or if he'll show up late so there's no time, and try to just rush away w/ your son

            have you thought about what you'd do if that happened?

            he does sound a bit passive-aggressive

            by thankgodforairamerica on Fri Dec 28, 2007 at 01:58:46 PM PDT

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          • you don't have to resolve this now- (0 / 0)

            it just seems that way

            I can read him like a book and know that if it doesn't happen now, it won't happen at all.

            if he violates the terms of the decree, he is in contempt, and you can file a motion for contempt

            i spent a decade trying to get my ex to honor one of the terms of our divorce- to maintain a $200,000 life insurance policy w/ our son as the beneficiary, and to have the insurance company send me a letter stating i would be notified if he failed to make a payment, so i could then make it.

            i had let him slide on most of the financial stuff in the order- but this one was so easy to do- just pay for term insurance?  that's practically free it's so cheap, so i was upset he wouldn't do it.

            i'm embarassed it took so long, but i finally got sick of the "you'll just have to take my word for it" nonsense and filed a motion for contempt.

            he didn't show up to court, so the judge issued a warrant for his arrest.  (the really funny part is he had a policy all along- w/ me as the beneficiary- he was shocked when he got the paperwork and read it- he couldn't understand it.  but of course he forgot to change the beneficiary when we broke up- he's a disaster when it comes to the details of anything remotely important)

            but i digress

            if your ex tries to take your son, he is violating the order- you might agree and let him go, but tell him the next time it happens you will file a motion for contempt.  or tell him not to take your son, and if he does it anyway, don't call the police- just file a motion for contempt asap.

            no need to get emotional and grab your son and start a tug of war- for your son's sake you would stay calm and protect him from any drama and then address things later without him seeing or experiencing any conflict.

            here in connecticut there are no court fees in family court for contempt, and my income/assets are so low i didn't even have to pay the fee to have the papers served.

            but i think it's hypocritical of me to recommend filing for contempt when it took me so long to do it myself.  but all of that time i was so broke and i thought i'd need a lawyer to do anything, so maybe i would have done it sooner if i had known.

            anyway, it might seem like you need to resolve this all right now, but maybe you really don't.

            hang in there.  and you should definitely talk to your lawyer before you take any advice from me- seriously!

            by thankgodforairamerica on Fri Dec 28, 2007 at 02:50:20 PM PDT

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            • i wrote that assuming he wouldn't show (0 / 0)

              up in time to do the parenting agreement- but i didn't write that part down- sorry-

              if he does show up and try then it wouldn't be fair to say no to him taking your son after you already said yes-

              i don't know why i'm thinking he won't show up on time- i think i'm projecting my experiences w/ my ex onto you and your ex-

              again, sorry

              i really do hope he shows up and acts like an adult.

              i don't want to be one of those people who tries to stir things up instead of calm them down.

              what i really wanted to tell you is that it doesn't all have to be ironed out tomorrow morning, even though i really wish it could be-

              hang in there

              xoxo

              by thankgodforairamerica on Fri Dec 28, 2007 at 03:05:20 PM PDT

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              • Excellent Information! (0 / 0)

                I had no idea I could (possibly) file a contempt motion on my own.  I will certainly have to keep that in mind (esp since he is supposed to have the house refinanced and my name off of it by 5 Feb and hasn't even started yet).  Wow.  That is such good advice.  Thank you.

                I'm really frustrated with myself for not getting everything totally detailed in the original decree.  It's so incredibly vague that it's laughable in retrospect.  I think at the time I was so fed up with the fact it took me 18 months to get the divorce finalized that I didn't pay enough attention.  Tomorrow, I just want to let him know that a detailed plan is going to have to happen asap and we will have to stick to it.

                After the advice I've gotten on here, I think we should just discuss and work out what we can, then take that to the mediator and go from there.  It's just that honestly, if I don't make it painfully clear to him that I am serious, and that all my "Ms Nice" has run out, he will continue to try and take advantage of me, use DS as a weapon, and be a jerk.

                i don't know why i'm thinking he won't show up on time- i think i'm projecting my experiences w/ my ex onto you and your ex-

                Um, yeah, maybe we did all marry the same guy?  I am totally expecting him to be late.  He has a 30 minute window after which all bets are off.  

                by Inky on Fri Dec 28, 2007 at 06:17:49 PM PDT

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                • when you do it yourself, it's called "pro se" (0 / 0)

                  i think if you can afford a good attorney it's better to  use one, but if you can't afford one and your only choice is to do it yourself or not do it at all, you have to do it yourself.

                  i live in ct, so i went to the state's website which had the downloadable forms

                  the people at the courthouse can't give you advice, but they can give you forms.  

                  and anything that's been filed w/ the court regarding your divorce you can get a copy of- but i remember having to pay for the copies

                  when i had problems w/ my ex not paying child support i went through child support enforcement, and that didn't cost me anything.  i hope you don't have a problem like that, though.

                  the lady who helped me w/ the child support told me a lot of lawyers who should just refer their potential clients to child support enforcement don't, and that really upset me

                  when he stopped paying child support i thought he was trying to antagonize me into stopping his visitation so he would have ammo against me, so of course i didn't interfere w/ visitation at all.

                  it's important for you to always do what's right, even when he doesn't.  besides having the peace of mind that comes w/ doing the right thing, you don't give him anything to ever use against you- in court, or in your son's memory

                  by thankgodforairamerica on Fri Dec 28, 2007 at 06:54:34 PM PDT

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      • GET A MEDIATOR (0 / 0)

        do not put your parents in that position. our mediator hammered out our agreement and gave us great guidelines four years ago and it was the best $200 I ever spent.

        by MKatherine1966 on Fri Dec 28, 2007 at 01:06:07 PM PDT

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