What a f*cking week, amirite?!
I won’t bury the lead, as we journalists are known to say: I had another miscarriage this week. Yes, I got pregnant almost immediately after my last miscarriage (so I guess my years-long fertility issues are a thing of the past?). Yes, the pregnancy likely was a factor in my ongoing case of Bell’s Palsy, which I have learned is quite common among ladies who are expecting. Yes, this sucks ass and I’m feeling quite sorry for myself at the moment.
I will admit I had a bad feeling about this pregnancy, just skeptical that I would carry it to term. I chalked it up to lingering fears from my miscarriage in November and did what I was supposed to: take the prenatals, calcium and DHA, give up caffeine, eschew booze.
Then came the headaches and the Bell’s Palsy, and the antivirals and the steroids that my midwife assured me were safe. The spotting started Monday and on Wednesday it became bleeding. On Thursday, at 7 weeks 5 days, I saw my midwife. A blood test and an ultrasound later, I discovered the baby likely stopped growing several weeks ago, but it took my body a while to catch on.
My midwife says 3 miscarriages is the magic number, so to speak, and should we decide to try again she would recommend taking progesterone from the get go and seeing a perinatologist because I’m SO OLD.
So I’m taking this as a sign that it’s time to shut down the factory. I already have two healthy children and I’m not keen on a high-risk pregnancy just for the sake of having another baby. And yet… the control freak in me hates the fact that this decision isn’t being made entirely on MY terms. I resent that these circumstances seem to be dictating my choice.
Ah well. First world problem, I know. Still a suckfest.
And yet: I am thankful for DH, who has been working and taking care of the kids and feeding everyone while I recuperate from my various maladies. So thankful to know he will support my decisions, no matter what.
Beyond thankful for my kids, who make my life so full. Another child would have been the cherry on top, but life is already quite the decadent sundae, so to speak. They are my joy, and if they weren’t so great, I wouldn’t have been so willing to try for another one of the little buggers.
And I’m thankful for my health. Bell’s Palsy and a miscarriage are no walk in the park, but then I think of our Mom of Twins’ acquaintance, who also started suffering headaches, but who was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor and died earlier this week. Life is precious, and I will strive to appreciate all I have rather than dwelling on what I don’t.
Thanks for listening, thanks for understanding, thanks for your friendship. This isn’t something I feel comfortable sharing with anybody except my closest family members, but it’s therapeutic to write out my thoughts and feelings and know I will receive nothing but support from this amazing community. Yet another reason to be thankful.
Please tell me what you’re up to this weekend. Share a stupid joke, a funny website . . . I could use a laugh or two!