This story made me sad. It was about a teenager who still lived at home caught in the middle between her gay brother — who is living on his own and loving towards their family — and their mother who asked that he never come home again.
I do think Carolyn Hax had the most appropriate response in light of a sad situation.
Your brother is an impressive human being.
He’s being true to himself, firm but loving with your mom, attentive to his sibs, crystalline in his imagery — be still my writer’s heart — all without being punitive toward the mother who rejects him for who he is. Wow.
My opinion of your friends . . . not so gushy. When their parents blackball their gay siblings and they have to decide between owning their beliefs and potentially losing their homes, then they can judge you.
Your brother and your friends neatly illustrate the difference between courage and bravado, respectively. One speaks up, and the other goads someone else to.
Now, your kick-out risk is debatable, since your mom hasn’t succeeded in kicking anyone out of anything, though maybe she just hasn’t figured out how yet.
But your story suggests your brother came out to your parents when he was already on his own, or soon to be. So this person of obvious courage also made the calculation that antagonizing the source of his nurture, food and shelter wasn’t the savviest move. I mean, what are the chances he first realized he was gay 18 months and a day ago?
You need to make a calculation now similar to your brother’s. That’s not to say you need to declare your truth the moment you leave the nest. It just means you have to balance what you believe against what you need and feel — and do that knowing you’re the one who has to live with the consequences. Literally and figuratively.
If it helps, your choices aren’t limited to either selling out for shelter or defending your brother. When Mom complains, for example, you can take a cue from your brother and say, “Mom, I love you and I love [Brother],“ then excuse yourself to do homework/dishes/whatever.
You sound like a pretty good egg yourself; there’s no one way to assert that, and the only right way is the right one for you.
What say you?
Wow
Her brother sounds amazing. The LW’s friends are being too hard on her, but I don’t necessarily agree that they’re jerks. That’s just how teenagers are– they love to imagine how brave they would be in the face of something like that. But I also agree that LW is doing the best she can– her brother clearly isn’t holding it against her, and probably wouldn’t appreciate her friends guilt tripping her in his name.