MT Diversion: The Offensive E-mail Collection

We all have them in our lives- those offensive forward senders that can’t help but gleefully send off a nasty-gram to us poor progressives.

Offender #1:My Brother-In-Law.  One of those lower-income Republicans; he baffles me with his 5-person family, less than $35K income (with debt more than a year’s salary)Bush supporting craziness (seriously, he is a member of that 27%). It’s incomprehensible.

Offender #2: My gun-toting Republican friend who, as far as I can tell, only is Republican because she thinks I wanna take her gun away (I don’t). Believes Obama is a secret Muslim, yet also thinks his church sucks. Puzzling, she IS a smart gal…

Between these two, I get some truly hilarious and offensive e-mail forwards. I KNOW they think it’s funny to get my head to explode with these viral nuggets of xenophobia and factually-incorrect Muslim-pointing.

Since we were sharing bumper stickers earlier, I thought it’d be fun to share some of the more incomprehensible forwards. If you’d rather not post a whole crazy e-mail (or deleted it long ago but remember the general subject content), you can usually find the best ones over at snopes. But please, share some of these so we can laugh, scream and beat our heads against the wall together! It’s fun (well, kind of in a sad, depressing way), and a nice way to collect our thoughts so we send some nice quips back to the offenders.

69 thoughts on “MT Diversion: The Offensive E-mail Collection

  1. My mom and Myspace

    My mom is a Reagan Republican.  While she hates John McCain, there’s now way she’ll ever vote Democrat, because Jesus would vote Republican.  No getting through there.

    And then, the people I know from high-school on myspace are constantly sending out those “Obama won’t salute the flag…he’s a Muslim!” emails.  I know exactly where you’re coming from.

    Dh found a You-tube video that pretty much answers the Obama-phobes, though:

    Click to see the video

    oh, and my favorite snopes one?

    The crazy celebrating Arabs on 9/11 get pwned by Budweiser.

  2. I have a friend who constantly

    forwards on pieces like this:

    “I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG, OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!

    I was asked to send on if I agree or delete if I don’t.
    It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a problem in having ‘In God! We Trust’ on our money and having ‘God’ in the Pledge of Allegiance.
    I believe it’s time we stand up for what we believe!
    If you agree, pass this on, if not delete.”

    Now, this friend is not a republican.  In fact, she votes democratic probably 95 percent of the time.  She’s not political, though, and does not understand the conservative talking points that these e-mails contain.

    I responded back to this particular e-mail, stating my beliefs on this topic.  Well, because it went to the other people she had forwarded it to, she wasn’t happy with me.  I got quite a lecture on how I might have offended others!  So, I guess trying to respectfully share my views with these people is not  an option.  The fact that I might explain where I differ in thought is offensive, evidently.  However, I’m never supposed to be offended by being basically told to shut up and keep my thoughts to myself.

    • I try

      to just answer the people I know when I fire back because I have made that mistake too! :)

      Once I sent out these awesome ads that I loved- parodies of the Mac / PC ads that were “marriage / civil union” and one of my friends wrote back about how gays shouldn’t get married (totally floored me) and CCd my whole list, including all my G/L friends. I was like… doh! Lady!!!

      • the problem with visible CCs…

        I’m politically biased :-) so if somebody sends me something meatheadedly conservative and ill-informed, I have no problem hitting reply all. It’s obnoxious of me, but I figure they started by “spamming everyone” and documenting who they spammed in a visible way, so I’m just correcting the misinformation!

        Anyway, while I’m sure your links are MUCH better than that, it’s probably safest to use the Blind CC feature of your email client. That way if somebody is obnoxious as me and does want to reply to everyone, they can only reply to the sender.

        • I’m with you. If someone sends a group email

          they better damn well know who they are sending it to.  I always hit “reply all” with Snopes debunking whatever.  These emails have actually done a lot of harm.  News spreads like crazy and people believe this crap.

          • Isn’t it amazing?

            Some unsourced mail making outrageous allegations is taken as gospel by these people.  I’m convinced these mails are created by College Republicans working in the bowels of the RNC.

            Where are their critical thinking skills?  I’m quite sure they are the 27% who still think bush is doing a heck-of-a-job.

            Sometimes I think liberals should create their own mails and, you know, supply authoritative links that people can use to learn more.

    • Wow

      Yeah, when mom includes me on these spam lists (with all her church ladies), I remember to be respectful and polite, but I do “reply to all.”  They got her info, they can have mine.

      • That’s how I thought it should work.

        Why should I not have the right to respectfully state an opinion, especially after my opinion has been solicited?    Evidently, that is in bad form…what we think might be “offensive”.  Ofcourse, conservatives are so easily offended these days.

        • absolutely.

          You have a right to reply…and if your friend doesn’t like it, tell her to kindly refrain from including you in future forwards, because YOU find them offensive.

        • Conservatives are thin-skinned ninnies

          Remember when they used to rail against political correctness?

          Well, they have seized the mantle of victimhood and they don’t want to give it up!  They don’t want anyone rebutting their mails either – it’s ‘offensive’.

    • My MIL sent me that one

      and was furious when I replied back to ask whether people before 1954 were harmed  or just anti-Christian since”one nation under God” was absent from the pledge until then. She was not amused….

    • I have found that

      using “Reply All” is a great way to never get an offensive email from the sender.  I use it regularly!  And I get hardly any of this crap anymore.

    • I think reply all

      is the best response to this type of nonsense. It usually doesn’t take long for that to get me off the recipients list.

      My feeling is, they are offending me by sending me lies, how can I be offensive by sending back the truth? I feel obligated to inform everyone else about the lies.

      • You are all

        just WAAAY braver than I am :) I always worry that a whole HORDE of crazies will come after me, instead of just my relative crazies :P

        • the three main offenders

          in my life were each open to a conversation that was essentially, “You don’t send me any of your crazy stuff, and I won’t send you any of mine.”  For a while when they would forward, I’d send back something from Bill Moyers or Thom Hartmann or Frank Rich (you know, people who are right LOL). To a one, they were incredibly offended by my emails — they took them personally, whereas I took theirs as run of the mill crazy talk and didn’t get too upset.  After talking it out, we all agreed to cease and desist, and we continue our loving relationships while giving politics and religion a wide berth.

          My brother writes a syndicated column and every week he sends me a link and every week I don’t click on it :)

    • I think it’s OK to ‘reply all’ to these mails

      I get them from my Republican dad and occasionally ‘reply all’ back to them.

      Generally I get supportive mails back, which thrills me.  The other day, my Dad spammed his contact list with a mail about how great Cindy McCain is and I replied all pointing out that she was busted for stealing prescription drugs from her own charity about 15 years ago and that her ‘business success’ is mostly due to the fact that she inherited the 3rd largest budweiser distributorship in the US – one that covers a desert (!) city, no less.

      That got me a bite from a wingnut on my dad’s mailing list who decided to copy her sister on her reply and I tried engaging them.  Her sister was a Limbaugh-type and utterly failed to substantiate any of the various charges that she subsequently made (Obama is an ‘elitist’, he’s a muslim, etc.).  I noticed as I started dismantling them time and again, they stopped copying my dad on their replies.

      I guess they didn’t like getting thrashed in public.  I actually tried to be nice but they were impervious to facts & logic and actually swore at me in their mail at one point.  

      Anyway, they cut-and-ran like wingnuts always do when confronted with facts.

  3. yay!

    because I have been dying to share this one. It is GOD AWFUL. I almost feel bad offending ya’ll with it. But seriously, it’s 2008, we have a Minority Nominee, and… gah

       Someone finally said it.
       
       How many are actually paying attention to this?
       There are African Americans, Mexican Americans,  Asian Americans, Arab Americans, Native Americans, etc. …And then there are just -
       Americans.
       
       You pass me on the street And sneer in my direction. You Call me ‘White boy,’ ‘Cracker,’ ‘Honkey,’ ‘Whitey,’ ‘Caveman,’… And that’s OK.
       
       But when I call you Nigger, Kike, Towel head,
       Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey,Beaner, Gook, or Chink    … You call me a racist.
       
       You say that whites commit a lot Of violence against you, So why are the ghettos the most Dangerous places to live?
       
       You have the United Negro College Fund. You have Martin Luther King Day. You have Black History Month. You have Cesar Chavez Day. You have Ma’uled Al-Nabi. You have the NAACP. And you have BET.
       
       If we had WET
       (White Entertainment Television)
      If we had a White Pride Day
       If we had White History Month
       If we had any organization for only whites To ‘advance’ OUR lives  
       … We’d be racists.
       
       We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce, A Black Chamber of Commerce, And then we just have the plain Chamber of Commerce. Wonder who pays for that?
       
       If we had a college fund that only gave White students scholarships… You know we’d be racists.
       
       There are over 60 openly-proclaimed Black-only Colleges in the US, Yet if there were ‘White-only Colleges’… THAT would be a racist college.
       
       In the Million Man March, You believed that you were Marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, … You would call us racists.
       
       You are proud to be black, Brown, yellow and orange, And you’re not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride … You call us racists.
       
       You rob us, Carjack us, And shoot at us.
       But, when a white police officer Shoots a black gang member Or beats up a black drug-dealer Who is running from the LAW and Posing a threat to ALL of society… You call him a racist.
       
       I am proud.
       … But, you call me a racist.
       
       Why is it that only Whites Can be racists?
       
       There is nothing improper about this e-mail.
       
       Let’s see which of you
       Are proud enough to send it on

    What do you even say?

      • Yeaaaahh…

        What else is there?

        This thread is so depressing.  I am so incredibly glad that none of my relatives do this.  

        People at work did do it, though.  It’s totatlly against state policy and I totally don’t object because I want to be able to violate the internet policy by spending time here, so I’m part of the problem.  I did get them to stop sending them to me.  I just said I didn’t enjoy them and deleted them, so they shouldn’t bother.

        • You know, I’d love to say I’d find that hard.

          But I wouldn’t. The response would be the same. Not interested in building bridges to that caliber of racist.

          • My father in law is like that, too.

            And while we haven’t completely burnt the bridge, it’s little more than a few stepping stones these days.

          • he is more ignorant

            then anything else. And poor. and he feels like things are unfair. doesn’t excuse him, of course, but he’s family, he’s not the only person who thinks up these things and I’m more on the “win people over” side of the fence then not. It’d be nice to be able to explain to him somehow that oppression can’t be wiped away overnight, or in a few years, or even a few generations and while it seems unfair that he is in a financially poor situation despite his working a tough labor job, it isn’t the “black people” and their programs screwing him over, it’s the people he’s voting for.

            • I don’t think I’ve ever met that degree…

              ..of ignorance in person. I certainly know people on the right I disagree with, but no one displaying out and out racism. I just don’t see how you reason with that, and as such.. well, you get the idea.

    • I got one

      similar to this, about our need to seal our borders to preserve our culture and character.  It started with outrage over singing the Star Spangled Banner in Spanish, and degenerated into extreme racist xenophobia.

      My godmother noticed I’d been left off a list of family members, and helpfully forwarded it along to me.  She hadn’t perhaps realized why I’d been left off.  My children are the targets of this particular hate screed.

      At the end it asked us to stand up, speak out and let our voices be heard.  I spoke out, all right.  Yeah, I think I made myself clear.

      • Go you!

        When it affects you personally, or when it’s just really factually incorrect, I can occasionally summon the motivation to respond.  But when it’s just basically expressing hateful opinions, I don’t think it could do much good.

      • Reply all and point out that there are other non-

        English versions of the national anthem.  I did that and got a supportive mail back from one of the readers.

        There’s a Yiddish version, a Samoan version, etc… Check Wikipedia:

        http://en.wikipedia.org/

        Fight back with facts!  In a nice way, of course.  I find that satire occasionally does well too.  

        If I get an illegal immigrant rant-mail, I sometimes play dumb and point out that there are 10 million+ illegal immigrants spread throughout our vast country.  I then ask them what historical mass incarcerations/deportations they suggest we learn from.  That pretty much shuts them up.

    • My bro does mention this kind of thing

      about”white History month” and all.  He’ll admit that the way these things (NAACP, etc) are set up is totally fair, but wonders at the semantics of it all.

      He certainly doesn’t talk like whatever a-hole wrote this, though.

      • How stupid do you have to be

        to not realize that all the other months are White History Month?

        And the main problem with things like celebrating things like European culture, especially Germanic, and Anglo-Saxon heritage, and stuff, is that it tends to attract racists assholes.  Which makes for not such a fun party.

        • my brother has trouble

          getting the all the other months concept.  He actually asked me why Asian Americans are model immigrants and African Americans aren’t.  Because they both came to America under exactly the same circumstances, you know? Absolutely zero insight.

          He has a blog that has rotating pictures of the flag, a Little League game, a guy in military uniform and, I kid you not, apple pie.  The irony is he converted to Judaism when he married and he just doesn’t get that 100 years ago, he was the “nigger.”

          • Reminds me of Plutonium Page’s sig

            something like, “My candidate was virgin-born from an apple pie cooled in the shade of an American flag.”  

            Your brother…the irony…it burns!

        • I feel sorry for these people

          I’m caucasian but my family’s ethnicity includes Polish and Irish heritage.  I received a Polish scholarship every year in college.  I live in the Northeast so there are plenty of people around here who still identify with their German, Irish, Polish or Italian heritage.  I suspect there is still a strong Scandinavian identity in the midwest.

          The white people who come from a more “pure” Anglo-Saxon heritage don’t have this kind of thing.  Maybe some of it is lacking a group with which to identify.  It seems like just being “white” would be a pretty bland heritage.

          • Yes and no

            I feel very sorry for people who don’t have some kind of tradition with which to identify.  Because, yeah, being stuck with mainstream (aka televised) American culture is impoverishing.  But plenty of people’s traditions aren’t that old, or are very old but way more American than anything else…

            Methinks it’s a good diary subject.

            • You’re only stuck with that..

              ..if that’s what you choose to be stuck with. Spend 20 minutes walking around Colonial Williamsburg (that’s the place that springs to mind for me) and it ought to bring it home that there is plenty of mainstream American culture if people would only grab hold of it. Seriously, I don’t understand why you’d feel you needed anything else.

              • Well, that was my point

                not they don’t have traditions, just that they feel they don’t.  It’s odd to me, but I think it’s related to suburbia and lack of extended families/family homes.  Also, though, for older people, their immigrant parents sometimes really buried their identities and demanded their kids only do American things.  That really does bring sense of loss, but usually if you want to get back in touch with your roots you can.

              • Yeah. I’m one of those people

                who’s anglo-saxon ancestors have been here since the 1600′s.  Other than a few historical parks in the Eastern states, we have little sense of heritage around us.  I think that’s why so many of us get addicted to genealogy and touring grave yards.  We’re trying to create that sense of history that connects us to something.  

    • for the record

      I’ve never been called “cracker,” “honky,” etc. to my face.  I’m sure it’s gone on behind my back but really, is it something I’m going to go postal about?  That seems like looking for stuff to be upset about.

      • I was thinking that too

        and besides, none of those ‘white’ names have the sting of the other ones this nauseating email mentioned.

        • Right

          I doubt any white person ever got called those names while being lynched by a raving mob.  It’s just not the same thing.

          • and really, Caveman????

            Sounds like grasping at straws to me. I have never heard Caveman used as a pejorative for white men. And I have NEVER heard someone shout Cracker, Honkey or Whitey…well, not since “The Jeffersons” was on the air. :-)

            • Whoever sent this email

              sounds like they have views right out of the stone age, so I’m not surprised someone wanted to call them “Caveman.”

    • Poor white Americans. They must be the most put

      upon group of Americans ever.

      I can’t say I’ve experienced it myself though, just like I’ve never personally met someone who was ‘robbed’ of a job or University entrance because of affirmative action.

    • I got into A LOT of family trouble

      when I copied this part

      If we had WET
        (White Entertainment Television)
       If we had a White Pride Day
        If we had White History Month
        If we had any organization for only whites To ‘advance’ OUR lives

      and sent it back ’round stating:  “But we do, everyday, on every station, in every school/workplace, every month.

      Yikes!

      now I just “delete”.  But maybe I’ll work up the courage to “reply-all” again.

  4. One downside of the internets?

    In the past it wasn’t possible to so easily spread such offensive stuff around.  Nowadays all you have to do is hit “forward” and you can spread the most toxic ideas to thousands of people.  

    • Right

      I have a bit of respect for crazy offensive people who bother to take their stuff to Kinko’s and go around putting it on windshields or whatever.  An atom or two or respect.  Maybe.

  5. I gotta say

    I really never get this kind of stuff. I do get weirdy Guardian Angel/Pray for This stuff from my aunt, but those are more annoying than offensive – all those Wingdings.

    We are a monolithically lefty family. I think the Guardian Angel aunt votes Republican occasionally (but hey, she lives in Massachusetts. Talk about your futile vote – if you have to have a Republican-voting relative, this is the best place for that person to live!), but we are all in agreement on the wedge issues. The only Rights in the family are my cousins. They are exceedingly conservative – really at home with Bill O’Reilly. But the two families have had a long-standing very specific agreement that we do not ever discuss politics together because we will never, ever agree. We’re their family Communists, they’re our family Fundamentalist Wingnuts, and we leave it at that. The agreement is not a multi-generational treaty, as the family’s son is as conservative as the parents and I am firmly Leftist, we last year affirmed that things Work Well Like That.

      • somebody’s got to fly the flag

        and hey, my paternal grandmother was apparently a Fellow Traveller – friends with the head of the local Communist Party. Gave my poor grandfather conniptions – he was an immigrant from Russia via Canada!!

        Funny thing – they’ll freely call us the Commies to our faces, but we’ve never, ever called them the Fundies. We’re just polite like that. ;-)

  6. On my mind

    today because DH’s great uncle apparenly sent out the most idiotic forward about Obama wanting to change the national anthem to “I’d Like to Teach the World to Sing!”  WTF?????  I got copied on another of DH’s relative’s “reply all” correction.  It was a great response.  Great Uncle is considers himself a very pious Christian and so this other relative put something in there about Christian teachings precluding the spreading of falsehoods.  It was great.

    My sister also likes to send idiotic stuff like this out.  I usually correct her in a reply but I’ve been REALLY tempted to “reply all.”  I’d never hear the end of it though….

    • What a coincidence

      I just did this yesterday with an email from my aunt about Obama possibly fulfilling some Revelations verse about being the anti-Christ.  I replied I felt it my duty as a Christian to do everything possible to not spread fear and lies about anyone, let alone another Christian like Obama.  Of course, Auntie is one of those who’s certain I don’t realize that Obama is secretly a Muslim just pretending to be a Christian, and if I was a better Christian, I’d understand that.  I don’t expect an answer.

      And I think the national anthem should be changed to “America the Beautiful,” so I guess sign me up as unpatriotic.

  7. Not terribly offensive…

    But extremely funny…to me anyway. As the resident American, all the Australians like to send me funny anti-American crap (they mostly restrain themselves on the really offensive ones). The racist, republican crap  only comes from my grandmother. I ignore her.

    So here’s my funny one. And the response, which is equally funny. You’ve probably seen it before.

    To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

    Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

    Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there’s a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America. Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed.

    To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. Look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check “aluminium” in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’. Likewise you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary.”

    Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed.” There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows.

    1. There is no such thing as “U.S. English.” We’ll let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’.
    1. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as ‘Taggart’ will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon.” If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.
    1. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1.
    1. You should stop playing American “football.” There’s only one kind of football. What you call American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no one else plays “American” football. You should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.

    Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

    You should stop playing baseball. It’s not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders,” which is baseball without fancy team stripe, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

    1. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable peeler.
    1. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday. It will be called “Indecisive Day.”
    1. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
    1. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t French, they’re Belgian though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.
    1. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer.” Substances once known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine,” except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will be called “Weak Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine.” This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
    1. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or “Gasoline,” as you will be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK petrol prices (roughly $9/US gallon, get used to it).
    1. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you’re not adult enough to be independent. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
    1. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.
    1. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

    Thank you for your co-operation.

    The American response:

    DECLARATION OF ANNEXING THE BRITISH ISLES AS PART OF THE USA

    To the imperialist British colonizers.

    In the light of your indecision over joining a common European Currency, your dissatisfaction with the European Union, your bickering with European Governments and the fact that you already almost speak our language and refuse to speak any other European languages, you are to be annexed as a State of America. Your state code will be GB. Zip codes will be assigned to replace your old postal districts. The state capital will be Stratford-upon-Avon which is a lot prettier than London. Princess Diana will be declared a saint. You have already assimilated so much American culture that you are unlikely to notice the transition. To aid in the assimilation, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    1. Look up “aluminum” in any good American Dictionary. Check the spelling and pronunciation guide. We discovered it, we named it, you are mispronouncing it. Learn to live with it. You are, of course welcome to your idiosyncratic and illogical place-names such as Edinburgh, if you wanted it pronounced ‘Eddinburra’ you have spelled it that way in the first place. You will quit using words such as “fortnight”. The correct term is “a two week period”. You will learn words such as “credenza”, “intern” and “chad”.
    1. There is no such thing as “UK English”. UK English is the relic of a defunct colonialist power which attempted to impose British English linguistic superiority on a nation which has a higher number of English speakers.
    1. Your film-makers should learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents. American accents are not limited to redneck drawls or New York accents. Mainland Americans have more than enough accents to cope with in our own country, so all British dramas will now bear subtitles, especially those made in impenetrable dialects such as Scottish, Scouse or Geordie. To make life easier for mainland America, all British films and TV programs must use American vocabulary and accents; Scotch characters will wear plaid, Irish characters will have shamrocks on them, Welsh characters will not be used since we don’t have Welsh Americans, and English characters will wear bowler hats and pinstripes.
    1. The British film industry will no longer portray all Americans as cowboys, rednecks, trailer trash or Beverly Hills billionaires. Hollywood will continue to use “Mockney” and “Posh” British accents as this makes it easier for viewers to identify which characters are British. You can have Hugh Grant back. He’s a lousy actor and we don’t want him either. All British films will be made in Hollywood where the weather and scenery are better. Your film industry is already unable to make a halfway-decent film which doesn’t contain a American in the starring role. All American characters should be ‘good guys’.
    1. You will learn your new national anthem “The Star Spangled Banner”. It shall be sung every morning at kindergarten, high school, university and your places of work. Your Union Flag will be hung up any damn way we wish so stop bitching about it being upside down. If there was meant to be a right way up you should have made it simpler. All Union flags will be replaced by the Stars and Stripes over a 12 month period of time.
    1. You should stop playing soccer and rugby. There is no need to have two games, one of which is confusingly like Football and one of which is called football but patently isn’t real football. If it doesn’t require 45 pounds of padding, it isn’t football. You should also stop playing cricket. Americans can’t understand the rules. If you insist on playing this game which is only played by former British colonies, you will introduce a simplified scoring system, timeouts, colored strips and cheerleaders to make it more interesting. Any match which takes longer than 90 minutes will be declared a draw.
    1. In films, as in real life, we decide who the bad guys are. The bad guys are those guys who don’t do as we tell them. They are also the guys who attract the biggest audiences into movie theaters. You will cease using the word “cinema”. They are “movie theaters”. The snippets of forthcoming films are not “trailers” they are “teasers”.
    1. November 5th is no longer a day for fireworks. July 4th is the appropriate fireworks festival. If you want a big fireworks party on November 5th, we will help you to blow up your Houses of Parliament. You won’t be needing them any longer; Disneyland London will be situated there. Hunting with packs of dogs is also banned. Instead, you will go hunting with a pick-up truck, some six-packs of beer, two coonhounds and enough guns and ammo to equip a private militia. There is also no such activity as “caravanning”. It is properly called “camping”. The thing boy scouts do with tents and bedrolls is called “tenting”.
    1. Roundabouts will be banned. What is the point of turning left in order to turn right? They are confusing to Americans and are death traps. You will start driving on the right with immediate effect. Most of the world drives on the right already. You will be allowed to turn right on a red light if safe to do so though you must check local county legislation as this is not permitted in all areas.
    1. Those things which you call chips are cholesterol-soaked abominations. You will start to eat fries – light fluffy potato in crisp coating. If you want to eat British-style fried potato sticks you will need a certificate from your doctor and good medical insurance. Beer is to be served cold. The warm, flat drink you call beer is properly termed ‘ale’ and the FDA have determined it to be unfit for human consumption. You will also learn the difference between crackers, cookies and biscuits to avoid causing unnecessary confusion to mainland Americans.
    1. All inter-personal communications between family members, even if resident in the same house, must be through a lawyer. It is compulsory to sue somebody at least once per year – be inventive. It is compulsory to have therapy three times each week and to recover false memories of your childhood which allow you to sue your parents and/or your therapist. Therapy will take the place of speaking to family members. You will be given compulsory courses on how to become dysfunctional. Name your children after interesting medical conditions.
    1. You will not have guns. In the eyes of Mainland Americans you are wayward children. Children are not permitted to play with firearms unless they have a legitimate reason to do so i.e. they plan to gun down the population of a small town (self-defense) or slaughter every living creature within a mile radius (hunting).

    Thank you for your co-operation. You will be assimilated.

    • An oldie but a goodie

      Someone who knows I’m an Anglophile sent me this after the election in 2000.  I liked it so much, I’ve kept a copy of it ever since.

    • Bwah!

      I’m a little bit Welsh, and my Welsh ancestors fought in the revolution.  

      Also, I think folks would be hard-pressed to pry soccer away from millions of American children, and our fantastic Women’s World Cup teams.

  8. OK I got another one

    I love the anti-tax ones that are so clearly wrong. My favorite thing about this is that the sourced site actually has a link on it that says “there is an e-mail going around, it is wrong”. hee

    Taxes…Whether Democrat or a Republican you should find these  
    statistics enlightening and amazing.  
    Source:     <http://www.taxfoundation.org/publications/show/151.html&gt;
    http://www.taxfoundation.org/publications/show/151.html  
     

    Taxes under Clinton 1999               Taxes under Bush 2008  
    Single  30K – tax $8,400         Single  30K – tax $4,500  
    Single  50K – tax $14,000        Single  50K – tax $12,500  
    Single  75K – tax $23,250        Single  75K – tax $18,750  
    Married  60K – tax $16,800       Married  60K- tax $9,000  
    Married  75K – tax $21,000       Married  75K – tax $18,750  
    Married  125K – tax $38,750     Married  125K – tax $31,250
     

    It is amazing how many of the people that fall into the categories above think Bush is screwing them and Bill Clinton was the greatest President ever. They always seem to forget that one of the first things he (Clinton) did as president was to pass the largest singular tax hike in the history of the United States. We have neither the time nor the inclination to get into the other Clinton bungles.
     
    If Obama or Hillary are elected, they both say they will repeal the Bush tax cuts, and will likely follow the same path as Clinton.
     
    If either one gets elected, it will be like the movie; “The Sting” with Paul Newman; you scam somebody out of some money, and they don’t even know what happened and you think you were lucky to escape with your integrity intact.
     
    So, (hypothetically) with a Democratic President and Democrats have the majority in the House & Senate, you can count on your taxes going even higher. Some analysts have predicted as much s 15% (not including the repeal of the Bush tax cuts). Are you ready to give even more to the Government to
    squander..??  
     
    If we as a nation allow this to happen we have no one to blame but ourselves. So when you get your paycheck and it is a little lighter on the “net” end, kick yourself for not voting and trying to make a change. Only YOU can make the difference. So put down that twinkie, tell the kids you’ll be right back, get up off the couch and GO OUT AND VOTE.

Leave a Reply